Welcome to Following the Whispers blog
Thank you so much for taking the time to visit. Hope you enjoy your stay. I blog here whenever I feel the need. This blog was created at the time my memoir came out, in February, 2009. Its motto was: creating a life of inner peace and self-acceptance from the depths of despair. Now, my focus is sharing this journey we call life.
“Only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth, and that is not speaking it.” Naomi Wolf
“We are called human beings, not human doings.” Wes Nisker, Buddhist teacher
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs…(And) if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” Theodore Roosevelt
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Telling the Truth Tuesday - I'm a horrible person
I almost deleted this post after a wrote it, because I'm terrified of what ya'll will think of me. But this is Telling the truth Tuesday, after all, so this is as good a place as any to do it. Here goes:
I'm a horrible person. That thought was the reason I was depressed and lethargic most of Sunday. Do you want to know why I thought I was a horrible person? Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn't be here, reading this, would you? We have a beloved dog, Buddy. He's 8 years old. He loves everyone, but especially hubby and me. He never snaps or growls at anyone or anything. He'd welcome a burglar with licks and snuggles.
Ten days ago, he started crying when he moved his head. We immediately took him to the vet. She recommended putting him on an anti-inflammatory drug before rushing to do x-rays, which are quite expensive. The meds seemed to work--Buddy stopped crying. The pills were to be given on an as needed basis, so we stopped administering them. Two days later, Buddy was crying again. Back on the pills. But then Saturday and Sunday he didn't want to eat. Here's where I convinced myself I was a bad person. I tend to immediately go to the dark side when there is the potential for something to go wrong. I started thinking, the x-rays will cost hundreds of dollars. Then, he'll need surgery, which will cost thousands of dollars. When my dad was alive and in his 80's, we questioned every procedure the docs wanted to do because, depending on the diagnosis, we most likely wouldn't do the treatments anyway, so why do the procedure.
I didn't think I was willing to spend thousands of dollars for surgery on an 8-year-old dog. And that made me feel like a horrible person. Does this mean I don't really love him? Does this mean I am selfish and greedy and don't really care? But I do love him. So what does that make me?
Yesterday, I took him to the vet again. Different doc this time. She was pretty sure after the exam that it was a disc problem. She put him on a steroid and muscle relaxer for the next two weeks. If he does better, we know it's a disc. If he doesn't, we take the next step. I don't even want to think about the next step, because then I have to face my horrible person issues.
What do you think? Is it awful to think about cost when it comes to healing a beloved pet? I will not allow him to be in pain, so if I'm not willing to do surgery, if that is what is prescribed, then I'm condemning him to death. Can I live with that? I'm terrified you're all going to think I'm so horrible, you'll stop visiting me here.
Hubby says he tries not to think about what could happen--he just deals with what is. I'm working on it, but it isn't easy for me. Bottom line, I'm worried about Buddy. I'm asking Spirit to help me make appropriate decisions for everyone's highest good. That's all I can think of at the moment...