Welcome to Following the Whispers blog
Thank you so much for taking the time to visit. Hope you enjoy your stay. I blog here whenever I feel the need. This blog was created at the time my memoir came out, in February, 2009. Its motto was: creating a life of inner peace and self-acceptance from the depths of despair. Now, my focus is sharing this journey we call life.
“Only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth, and that is not speaking it.” Naomi Wolf
“We are called human beings, not human doings.” Wes Nisker, Buddhist teacher
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs…(And) if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” Theodore Roosevelt
Friday, November 12, 2010
The bad news is, I had no clue what triggered it.
I'd been harboring some envy of other blogging buddies who are having great success with book launches and blog followers, and mucho comments on their blogs. But that wasn't enough to cause this kind of self-loathing. I also found myself comparing myself negatively to the two other singers in my trio, but still, that wasn't it.
At dinner with a friend that night, I shared how I was feeling - not an easy thing to admit - yet here I am admitting it to bloggydom - at least those of you in bloggydom who do read this blog. She was astounded. She started listing the things she is in awe of that I've accomplished over the years we've known each other, including going back to get my college degree when I was in my fifties. Completing and publishing my memoir and almost selling all the copies in print. Starting Sugartime when, as she put it, "you don't have the greatest voice in the world," but now you're singing in front of 250 people at the Mayor's State of the City address.
So where does the self-hatred stem from? The best I can figure, it is old old old stuff - and the bottom line is that I can get to a place where I don't feel like I have value - to anyone. That I make no difference whatsoever in anyone's life. It's how I felt as a small child in my home. It's how I felt in my first marriage. It's how I felt as a mother, especially after losing custody of my child.
Today, I know these feelings aren't facts. I can't seem to get rid of them altogether. But by being aware in the moment how I am feeling, I can take steps to shift the energy back to center, back to where I know I matter. By talking with a friend and then doing a NIA class (movement always seems to shift the energy), the self-hatred left and I was back to my normal inner peace.
Do old negative feelings ever plague you in the present? If so, how do you deal with them?