Welcome to Following the Whispers blog

Thank you so much for taking the time to visit. Hope you enjoy your stay. I blog here whenever I feel the need. This blog was created at the time my memoir came out, in February, 2009. Its motto was: creating a life of inner peace and self-acceptance from the depths of despair. Now, my focus is sharing this journey we call life.

“Only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth, and that is not speaking it.” Naomi Wolf

“We are called human beings, not human doings.” Wes Nisker, Buddhist teacher

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs…(And) if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” Theodore Roosevelt

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Telling the Truth Tuesday - Unwanted

I think I uncovered the root of my depression. Or at least a core belief that causes me to feel depressed. I have felt unwanted since I'm about 3. I realized yesterday while journalling that until I was 3 years old, I was a pretty happy-go-lucky child. But it was around that time that I began to believe that my parents didn't want me. I know now that wasn't true - it was how I interpreted their behavior - but it shaped a core belief. That belief followed me with boyfriends, and even with my own child.

I knew I felt "left out" of things, but this is different. I also know I am deeply loved by my hubby and that he "wants" me. And I'm not talking about sexual attraction here. It's a deep wanting to be with someone. Wanting that someone in your life. Wanting to spend time with that someone.

This unwanted feeling hits me frequently. I won't list all the instances here, but it was astounding to me to see how often I feel this way. So now what?

First step always on my spiritual journey is to accept what is. So that's where I am. I am accepting that much of the time I feel unwanted. What usually follows acceptance is an ability to catch those feelings in the moment and shift the energy, because this has been operating on an unconscious level all of my life. Now I am shining a light in this dark place.

Do you ever feel unwanted?


L.G.Smith said...

I can relate to that somewhat. I'm the third child out of four in our family, and it was pretty tough to get any attention from the parents. They both worked, and when they were home they were usually too stressed out or busy to pay us kids much attention. That feeling of never being noticed or appreciated certainly has carried over into adult life. But I think the thing to do is to take inventory of the things we are grateful for, and concentrate on those instead of the negative feelings, IMHO.

Suze said...

'What usually follows acceptance is an ability to catch those feelings in the moment and shift the energy, because this has been operating on an unconscious level all of my life.'

Not just the weight of centuries in your eyes, Karen, but the wisdom, too.

Arlee Bird said...

I think we all have similar insecurities at various times under varying circumstances. I believe the first and biggest obstacle can be self-acceptance. Once we truly feel confident in ourselves then it doesn't matter whether or not others accept us. I don't know that any of us ever truly get there, but hopefully we get closer.

But yes, I often slip into insecurity and feel unwanted.

Wrote By Rote

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Knowing is half the battle. And your blogger buddies certainly want you!

Susan Roebuck said...

I understand totally, Karen. *hugs* and I just know you will "get there". You're an awesome blogger. (and, btw, that idiot who wrote that stupid comment above - the anonymous one - wrote it on my blog too, just delete it).

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Sure, I've had those dark times, too. Not very often, but when it does happen, I remind myself of all the times the darkness has passed before, and trust that it will pass yet again.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I can relate, Karen. I had a mother who a good-hearted woman, but she had a bad tongue, and constantly nagged me and my father. I don't think I felt unwanted, but it definitely rubbed away at my self-esteem. But, as Susan above says, we have dark days and then the darkness is gone.

I hope you're having a BRIGHT week!

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi Karen .. yes Karen I can relate - fortunately not often .. and time takes its tide and rolls away. What is great about being here and with other bloggers we learn so much .. and your ability to be able to set out your approach is a great help to many ..

Suze picked up your salient words: is shift the energy ... when we realise we can - we can ..

Cheers for now - Hilary

Paul Anthony Shortt said...

Oh yes. I was a victim of bullying in school and for a while in college. The social-shunning kind, rather than the physical (mostly, anyway), and that left me constantly unsure that people I called friends would want me around. It took a lot of work, and help from confidantes (including my wife) to help me see that it was just an illusion created by that small, insecure part of me that believed the rubbish my old tormentors would use against me.

I still have bouts of wondering whether certain people want me around, but I push past them and remind myself that for every 1 person who might just put up with me to save face, there are at least 10 more who genuinely like having me around.

Talli Roland said...

I always have those residual feelings of wanted to be accepted in a group situation. Not sure why! Insecurity, I guess. I think we all have it to some degree.

Hugs! We want you in blogland, that's for sure!

Liz Fichera said...

I think these feelings are normal--who doesn't want to feel wanted?

Having read your beautiful memoir, I understand where you're coming from. Be kind to yourself, Karen. You've come a very long way. *Hugs*

Pk Hrezo said...

We all go thru this at times. It's part of human nature. I think it all goes back to learning to truly love yourself. If we're proud of who we are and accepting of our faults, while knowledgeable of our strengths, we can be our own champion. We all forget to do that sometimes, and I believe that's okay, as long as we remember again that we are each beautiful creatures from God, and each of us deserves to be loved.

Sharon Lippincott said...

You've drawn out such wisdom from the group. Beautiful! Thank you for your courage in posting this.

I used to experience the same sort of "bullying by social shunning" Paul mentions. A few years ago things began to shift and I believe the primary reason was that I discovered and began using Byron Katie's process ("The Work") of asking "Is this true?"

On the rare occasion the answer is "Yes," I have something tangible to work with.

Learn more at http://thework.com. The core material is available in free downloads.

It IS true that I want you around. 8-)